After peeling away my layers of self-protection – the pretenses, the stoicism, the affectations – I’m left with one question: Who am I? I don’t know how to answer this question. My whole life I’ve been trying to be what I think others want me to be, and trying to be what I think I should be. After years of shape-shifting, I don’t know who I truly am, only what I would like to be.
Answering the question of who I would like to be is beyond easy (I think about it all the time). The person I want to present to the world is: elegant, self-assured, happy, strong, and successful. Easy. I see these qualities everywhere I go, in other people. Somehow I always seem to fall short when I look in the mirror. Rhyming off who I would like to be is the easy part; I still haven’t answered the question of who I am. I know others have this same predicament, and maybe this is a part of the human condition – I just never thought it applied to me. But then, I’ve never asked myself this question.
I’ve been thinking about it all day long and still nothing. Perhaps this is where I have to be right now. For most of my life I’ve been altering myself to accommodate the outside world, hoping I would fit in and be accepted. I never stopped to ask myself what I want. And now that I am giving myself permission to have what I want, I feel awkward. Not only do I not know who I am, but I don’t know what I really want either. I feel like a gangly teenager who’s sudden had a growth spurt and no longer knows where to put her hands.
I sense that I’m at a place of new beginnings – of explorations and awakenings. When I’m still, I see myself laughing, filled with joy. I think happiness has always been my goal. Everything I did was to help myself find happiness. Perhaps, I’m a step closer now