Lately my life has been about waiting the take the leap. A leap into what? The next phase of my life; the wonderful part where everything is crimson reds and rich purples and golden light. If my life were a movie, this would be the part where everything turns out okay and everybody knows that things are going to be alright from now on. That’s the place I’m waiting to leap into. And waiting is the key word. Because no matter how much I feel that I’m ready for it, no matter how much preparation I feel I’ve done, I’m still standing on the precipice…waiting.
It’s not that I don’t have the knowhow to be wildly happy and outgoing and be all that wonderfulness that leads to other wonderfulnesses – it’s a lack of faith. I don’t trust myself enough to believe that I can do it and, most of all, that I can handle a life lived out in full. I’m a mechanic that has a PhD in fixing cars, but has yet to touch a car.
“You’re a rock star! Life’s too short and too precious to be wasted on the sidelines.” Quotes like these have been wagging a spiritual finger at me for years. Sometimes I read them and feel a surge of inspiration to go out right then and carpe the heck out of the diem. Other times, they annoy the hell out of me because I know, once again, I haven’t seized the day.
I deeply admire people who live rich, full lives of passion and love, because it’s so rare. I admire them for the courage it takes to dive in and not care what’s on the other side, or what others must be thinking. Everyday is a welcomed adventure.
I no longer want to be someone who wistfully dreams of a happier life. I want to be that person. But I don’t know how. Some mornings I’m filled with confidence, knowing that this is the day that changes everything. Yet, once I’m outside everything melts and I retreat back into my old self, totally forgetting my resolve until I arrive back home.
I’m going to figure this out. Even if I fall, each step is going to take me closer to where I want to be.
To be continued…