All of the challenges in my life stem from a feeling of unworthiness. I was constantly striving and trying to be someone of worth, never realizing that I’m worthy simply because I AM. I had a dream years ago where someone said to me, “You try too hard.” At the time I agreed completely with this statement. I did and do try too damn hard, but I didn’t know how to get off the spinning wheel. No matter how much I wanted to stop I couldn’t. It was a compulsion to keep trying, which often came off as desperation. I tried too hard with people, with work, with everything. Even when it made me feel horrible, I didn’t know how to stop: I was making up for the lack I felt inside.
Over this long-weekend, I suddenly realized that worthiness is a feeling, and like any other feeling I can access it anytime and anywhere. When I go into this feeling it’s like being wrapped in a warm blanket and all the desperation evaporates. I didn’t need something outside of myself to confirm my worth after all. The times I tried to prove my worth, I was doing it thinking that something external could finally validate me and prove that I’m okay; that it’s okay for me to take up space in this world.
It was within me all along – this place I’ve been searching for was always here, but I was so busy looking outward that I kept missing what was in my hands the whole time. When I’m in the space of worthiness, I feel like I’ve come home. I no longer need to prove anything because I’m worthy simply because of who I am. It’s a balm for my soul. I’m sure all the desperate trying was what kept me from reaching my dreams, so I’m excited to see what’s going to blossom now that I’ve finally stopped trying and can simply BE.